I owe you an explanation, but let's start with an apology.

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I've been umming and aaarring about writing this post. But I think I need to. Not only for you my lovely readers, but also I need to do it for me.

I have so many things I just need to get off my chest...


So as I'm sure you saw, I went a bit MIA didn't I. One day I was sharing my pregnancy posts, then the next nothing... I'm sure you were all thinking where is she, (well I hope you where, or was it out of sight out of mind?! Lol)

I've always had dark days, you know those days where you just can't face anything. Including the outside world.


I'll start with the apology. I really am soo sorry. I feel that I've not only let you, my lovely readers down, but also the lovely brands who sent me products for review, and I've even let myself down...

Before I continue I also want to put it out there that this will be a long post, and also I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just need to let you all know what happened and why I went MIA...
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I'm also going to shorten things down, otherwise we'll be here for weeks.

So here's the jist of it...
I've always had dark days, you know those days where you just can't face anything. Including the outside world. I even went on anti depressants for a few months, while I was a teenager. So I knew I'd have a few when I became pregnant. But what I didn't factor in was quite how many, and quite how emotional I'd feel, while pregnant.

My mum and I have always had a strange relationship. By that I mean I've always felt like I could never please her,


Once Phoebe was here, the dark days didn't vanish either. I wasn't the happy new mum I thought I'd be, and to be totally honest I was a mess. Motherhood really has been such an emotional roller coaster for me. 

Thankfully I had Anthony, and he was my rock, as usual, and his mum Liz, has been amazing. But something was missing...

My mum.
Again I'll shorten things here. My mum and I have always had a strange relationship. By that I mean I've always felt like I could never please her, and needed her approval for almost everything I did.
I remember her going away on holiday's with my younger siblings, and I'd stay home looking after the house and pets. Trying my hardest to keep things clean and tidy for her return. Only to be met with such disappointment...

Mum wasn't really the loving and supportive mum a pregnant girl needed.


My childhood did have lots of happy moments too. So don't think I'm sitting here writing my sob story. All x factor style...
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I think things with mum, got worse as I grew older and found my place in the world. I remember her getting annoyed at me for going to work! Then as I got boyfriends and friends she didn't like, things went from bad to BAD...

Over the years while I was still living with her, I just put up with how things were, but once Anthony and I moved in together. Started planning our lives etc. The real distance between me and mum became so much further.

It all came to a head recently, when I saw mum in town, for the first time in months. It wasn't a pleasant experience, 


I'm going to shorten things again here. Mum wasn't really the loving and supportive mum a pregnant girl needed. Nor was she in anyway helpful and supportive after I had Phoebe. If anything she made me more stressed and more upset.

I'm going to talk about those dark days again now...
After giving birth I went on such a high, that of course I had to come crashing back down now didn't I. Well I never expected the crash to hurt soo much. Basically I feel like those first few months. Were spent crying out every tear I had. I'd wanted a baby for so long, but felt with everything going on with mum, that I couldn't enjoy my baby the way I should be enjoying her.

I think I'm finally finding myself again, and the dark days don't seem to be cropping up as often anymore. 


It all came to a head recently, when I saw mum in town, for the first time in months. It wasn't a pleasant experience, and after mum didn't even look in the buggy. I decided that enough was enough. I need to drag myself out of this rut, stop feeling sorry for myself and accept that things aren't going to change with mum, and just move on and be the best mother I can be for Phoebe. 

Plus now that Phoebe's almost a year old, I finally feel like I'm getting my inner strength back. I feel like I sort of lost myself a little, along the way. But I think I'm finally finding myself again, and the dark days don't seem to be cropping up as often anymore. 
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I'm not gong to lie, every time I think of mum it upsets me. But in a weird sort of way I'm happier wihout her in my life. I think because of all her own issues, they rubbed off on me, and I really don't want such negativity around myself or Phoebe. I really don't know what the future holds. But one thing I'm certain on is, that I know I'm a strong women who will be the best mum I can be for my beautiful little girl...

Follow me...

12 comments:

  1. This is such a strong post. I am sorry you had to go through all that. It is always hard to grow up when you don't have a good relationship with one of your parents. They are so important! I understand why you feel like you do. Stay strong! xx corinne

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  2. Oh I feel so sad for you lovely, I can relate to having a rough relationship with your mum as I haven't seen my mum in over 3 years now. We just clash and I dread to think how she'd be if I had a child, I've never felt good enough for her and I know she'd think i don't know what I'm doing. So sorry you've had to go through this especially when pregnant and then with a new born. She doesn't deserve you, as hard as it is you've just got to focus on your own little family and being the best mum possible, I'm sure you're amazing!

    Tiffany x www.foodandotherloves.co.uk

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    1. Aaww thank you for your kind words. I'm really going to try my hardest, and be the best mum I can be.

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  3. what a deep and honest post. I am sorry things havent gone smoothly for you and that you have that sort of relationship with your mum! Like you said you arw better off without that negativity and you need to be the best mum you can be x
    Lola Mia // www.lolitabonita.co.uk

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    1. Thanks so much, I really was so nervous posting this. xx

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story, I think it's so important that negative experiences are spoken about as much as positive ones are - we all have them!

    Lisa | www.abadvegan.co.uk

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    1. That's one of the reasons why I wanted to share my story, no ones life is all happy, all the time. xx

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  5. Thank you for being so candid about this. I'm only just seeing your blog for the first time, but I can assure you, your mental health and well-being should be above all. Relationships with our parents can be so strange, especially when there are so many expectations behind them. I'm glad to see you have at least some positivity going forward! You've got this. Sending my love.

    Amber || mylifeinlimbo.com

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    1. AAww thanks, I'm so glad that my story/life is understood the way I meant it to be. xx

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  6. Also those question marks are meant to be emojis haha

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